This is the original inauguration speech Lincoln was supposed to address to the nation. Most historians are not aware that this document exists (especially the blind historians who can't read braille). A lot of people find it hard to believe that I inadvertently purchased the original document at a Denny's in Minnesota:
In this historic day I have been inducted as your new totalitarian leader. My form of ruling will be far disparate from that employed by my predecessor. Beyond today, I will not indulge any democratic ideas and instead I will rule with an iron fist.
My political agenda(s), agenda being a word I do not normally use since I don't think it really exists in our language, are rather imposing and selfish. They serve no other purpose than my own and maybe those of nine other close friends of mine.
I shall now dictate some of the new rules or laws that I will decree as president: First, from this day on, no one is allowed to drink water without personally asking me first. Written requests will not be considered. This might make it difficult for those who live outside my city limits, but I can live with that. Second, anyone caught showing any affection to any animal, wild or domesticated, shall be put to death immediately. Some of you might be wondering why this second rule exists. Third, everyone from now on must have supper at 1:00 am local time. And those parents concerned about their children not being able to stay up that late, should direct their questions and concerns to the brick wall across the street. Fourth, if I should visit homes and randomly set children on fire, the parents must not attempt to stop me, instead they must praise me and compliment my sense of fashion. Fifth, the iconic figure that represents Christmas will no longer be Christ, it will now be a lame horse. Seventh, the number 6 will no longer exist in the United States. Eighth, any woman with more than one breast will be ostracized from society and forced to live in California with the rest of Satan's deformed children. Ninth, in the event that I am assassinated while attending some sort of show or am eaten alive by a group of Amazonian indians who are not normally cannibalistic, Congress will then appoint a Danish farmer to power.