Friday, July 18, 2008
Using horrendous verbal abuse, Nori has discouraged Sean's cats from following their dream of becoming circus clowns.
Nori studied physics and invented a time machine while in college, only to use the time machine to travel back centuries and push an ancient ancestor down some stairs.
Nori forces her fiancé Sean to rearrange her collection of 579 pairs of shoes. Today they were arranged by manufacturer and heel texture.
Nori designed the Mitsubishi Zero.
Nori first introduced visible blood and extreme violence to Japanese animation. She was growing tired of reruns of The Honeymooners.
Originally, the human race was destined to be kind and peaceful. She traveled back in time to introduce libelous propaganda on cave walls, inciting conflict between Neanderthals and Cro Magnon.
Nori introduces over 3400 pieces of frivolous legislation in the Japanese Parliament every year.
Nori is programming a stabbing motion into the next generation of Honda ASIMO robots.
Ancient documents describing the people and history of Atlantis were discovered in Libya in 1987. Nori burned the papyrus to keep her feet warm. She had a space heater nearby.
Nori punches other customers behind the knee whenever she is line at the bank.
Nori brought her fiancé Sean to Japan to “meet her parents”. By “meet”, she meant “give rough baby oil massages to”. By “her parents”, she meant “mangy stray dogs”.
Nori assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914. “Gavrilo Princip” is one of her nicknames from myspace.
Out of jealousy of their love, Nori spends two hours every day delivering moderate electric shocks to Roxy within view of a poster of Roger and a small collection of his armpit sweat. Though the Pavlovian method is sound, she has failed to diminish their emotional bond.
Nori started a letter writing campaign, convincing cable TV executives to give much more air time to Kim Kardashian and Tila Tequila.
Nori is why I (and you) lose at poker.
Nori volunteers her time at orphanages once a week, on “movie night”. The children in the age group 3 to 8 years old have seen Saw, Hostel, The Hills Have Eyes, Devil's Rejects, and Turistas about 57 times each.
Nori convinced senior bank executives and officials at the Federal Reserve that high-risk mortgage loans were a sound investment in America's economic future.
The original title for J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye was “Nori: What a Phony”.
Every year Nori meets with marketing executives from Nathan's Hot Dogs, attempting to convince them that “puppy drowning” should replace hot dog eating as a way to increase public interest in the annual contest.
Nori is why the Phoenix Down doesn't work on Aeris.
Nori initially suggested the Fire Nation invade the Earth Kingdom.
Nori encourages people with ugly feet and infected toenails to wear sandals.
Nori is the reason for the description and codification of 853 new felonies in the states of Florida, California, Kansas, and South Dakota, as well as the sovereign nations of Laos, Nigeria, Mexico,
Argentina, Turkey, Mongolia, and the Vatican.
Nori manages to extort over $113,000,000.65 from her immediate neighbors every two months.
Nori stole all the shoes from Napoleon's Army in the winter of 1812. The shoes were then sold as the second generation of Nike Airs.
Nori isn't interested in playing any version of Grand Theft Auto. All the games are based on the last time she drove.
Four weeks ago, NASA astronomers believed they had discovered the disfigured body of an alien humanoid on Mars. This theory was discounted after the police report regarding Nori's last boyfriend was brought to their attention.
Most episodes of Tales from the Crypt are based on pages from Nori's adolescent diary.
The original screenplay for Jaws was based on lifeguard eye witness reports, the same day Nori went swimming after forgetting to eat breakfast.
Nori sued M. Night Shyamalan because the pattern of suicides depicted in The Happening are eerily similar to what follows the publishing of her vacation travel plans.
The debate continues among climatologists and biologists about the cause of the modern mass extinction of species. Recent advances in satellite imaging and genetic mapping have nearly confirmed the leading theory: Nori.
Nori chums the water at public beaches in California, Australia, and South Africa.
When first abducted by aliens, Nori convinced her captors that all of humanity prefers to communicate via the insertion of absurd foreign objects into the anus.
Sometimes Nori feels guilty about all she has done. But then she follows an age-old remedy for her sour mood: a warm bath in the fresh blood of yaks and Catholic virgins.
Nori was the first mayor of Unincorporated Miami-Dade County.
Nori changed all the “Caution: Manatee Area” signs to read “Go ahead! Speed all you want. It's Great!”.
By Matthew Mielke (Columnist and Editor for "The Weekly Journal of Libelous Stories")
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I recently visited a country that lies on the unofficial border of Europe and
Just south of
The country’s history dates back to a time when the Greeks were too busy trying to control fire and had no alphabet. Some archaeologists postulate that
The countryside is sprawled with endless grassy fields, barren patches, mountains, and broken down trucks. There are giant lakes, ever flowing rivers, and the occasional inflatable pool. The climate varies from fucking hot to fucking cold. It is sunny year round and very arid, making the extreme temperatures tolerable if not enjoyable. If the country had beaches, it would be perfect, but there are no beaches (and I am not going to categorize lake shores as beaches). As a result of the country’s topography, Armenians and their ungrateful guests can enjoy skiing in the winter, pleasant hikes and aquatic sports in the summer, and indoor badminton all year round.
I also got the impression that
Armenian culture screams of antiquity and historical relevance (as opposed to Canadian culture). Some claim that their linguistic roots can be traced to Sanskrit, while others claim that the whole thing was made up in the mid 80’s. Inaccessible to many westerners (despite the Judeo-Christian connection), this culture is not wholly eastern, it is certainly not western, and classifying it as middle-eastern would be somewhat inaccurate. The people appear to be religious but not overtly. There is an appreciable sense of balance between their Judeo-Christian beliefs and the real world, unlike in most South American countries.
The food in this Eurasian wonderland is fucking great. Armenians consume everything from fresh water fish, to beef, lamb, pork, chicken and a ton of greens and vegetables. Their meals would be considered feasts by western standards and unlike fat, greedy people from the
Armenians pride themselves in the fact that all they consume (this being the case in most restaurants) is organic, even the fucking gum! Their wines range from semi-sweet to sweet and taste much better than the shit from
After the dissolution of its amicable partnership with
My experience in this Eurasian paradise involved heavy drinking and a lot of masturbation. I wandered the streets of
Friday, June 6, 2008
1) Despite what everyone thinks, one should fight back when being attacked by a bear. Standing still and playing dead are ridiculous ideas. There is nothing better than to attract as much attention as possible and to anger the bear. Remember, the angrier the bear gets, the more frustrated and stressed it becomes, eventually losing interest in you. The bear will then want to move on to other non-stressful activities, such as tossing a frisbee, making pancakes, or teaching CPR classes at the local recreational center. Either way, you'll survive.
2) Always go for the bear's weak spots. These include the hind paws, calves, forearms, and teeth. Striking the bear in the eyes, muzzle or genitals will not get you anywhere.
3) If you're attacked by a sow with cubs, the best thing to do is to grab hold of one of her babies and inflict as much injury upon it as you possibly can. The mother bear will fear for its cub's life and become hesitant to attack. Under certain circumstances, you can even barter with the sow. Try extorting valuable things from her in return for her offspring. You might land yourself an expensive set of tea cups, really cool roller skates, or even just honey.
4) Another avenue you can take when being mauled by a bear, is to try to reason with it. Despite popular belief, bears are intelligent animals that can process logical thought. If you present a pithy argument you should be able to change the bear's mind. Keep in mind though that bears are quick at catching invalid arguments and are easily frustrated by blandishment. In other words, keep it simple and don't bullshit around.
5) Studies have shown that most bear attacks are caused by the bear's sexual deprivation. Thus, one of the best things to do when attacked by a bear is to please it sexually. You must be careful though because if you become overzealous while pleasing it, it might attract other bears and this could lead to a bear gang rape. Bear gang rapes are among the worst in the animal kingdom. Thousands of people have been killed in these throughout history, including former U.S. president William Howard Taft, James Joyce, and German Chancellor Otto van Bismark.
6) Sometimes the best thing to do is to pretend that you're not being attacked. Most bear attacks lead to injury and even death because the person is obviously aware of what's happening. But if you pretend like nothing is going on, then chances are you're going to survive. The best thing to do is to forget about the attack and focus on happy thoughts such as a favorite childhood memory, the day you accidentally had sex with Margaret Thatcher, or you can think about the Ethiopian version of The Wheel of Fortune, anything that will keep your mind from the attack.
7) Another sure survival tip involves books. Bears are suckers for a good book. And what's great about this is that they're open-minded to most topics. So the next time you're being attacked by a bear try to read it a story, perhaps even a play. Be careful though because there are certain topics that are considered taboo in the bear world, here's a list of some of them: Social caste differences among Australian Aborigines, the rise and fall of the Sumerians, the Latin-American influence on the European economy within the last 14 years, and the success of Tom Cruise to list a few.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
1) Dwight Eisenhower created photosynthesis.
2) America's nineteenth President, James Garfield, was mainly made out of coal.
3) Once out of office, William McKinley made a comfortable living by fashioning Civil War commemorative statuettes out of bear feces.
4) Herbert Hoover invented the automobile.
5) Lyndon Johnson survived eight separate assassination attempts thanks to his uncanny ability to kill people with his mind.
6) In 1860, James Buchanan forced a doe to marry him at knife-point after having impregnated her at a Christmas party.
7) When initially asked what his response would be to the attack of Pearl Harbor, Franklin Roosevelt replied: "We are going to invent a time-machine within the next few days so we can go back in time, if you will, and warn ourselves several hours prior to the attack. That way we won't be as shocked and dismayed when it happens."
8) Chester Arthur accidentally burned down the White House on several occasions.
9) Richard Nixon started the militant black civil rights group known as the Black Panthers.
10) Harry Truman invented the letter "G."
11) Warren Harding tried to convince Congress of declaring war on Italy on eleven separate occasions citing his reasons as: "personal and having to do with America's popcorn shortage."
12) Calvin Coolidge discovered Peru.
13) In a desperate attempt to gain more votes during the 1849 elections, Millard Fillmore killed an elephant with his bare hands in front of a crowd of kids.
14) Theodore Roosevelt was the first human being ever to draw the connection between water and life.
1) George Bush Sr. was married to Miles Davis for 73 days.
2) Before becoming President, Theodore Roosevelt used to fist-fight seals in California for a living.
3) John Quincy Adams went to his grave not knowing the difference between the letter "X" and the letter "T."
4) Our 12th President, Zachary Taylor, tried to appoint a lame horse as Speaker of the House. In the face of ridicule and rejection, Taylor had the horse beaten to death by a group of 12 year old's.
5) Gerald Ford was known within his circle of friends as "Panda Man," which referred to his insatiable appetite for panda meat.
6) Ronald Reagan was Hitler's secretary before becoming president.
7) Richard Nixon was blind.
8) Jimmy Carter wasn't aware that he was President until two days after his term ended.
9) Andrew Jackson had his feet surgically removed after losing a poker game.
10) Bill Clinton mistook his daughter for a diseased fox on several different occasions.
11) New evidence published by the CIA points out that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were both assassinated by the same person; a disgruntled Chinese businessman.
12) Dwight D. Eisenhower was famous for his perseverance, mental prowess, and his uncanny ability to masturbate circus bears using only his left foot.
13) When Herbert Hoover asked Calvin Coolidge (his predecessor) for advice on how to be a good President, Coolidge replied: "I only made seven mistakes while in office and they all involved me trusting the Danes"
Monday, May 19, 2008
Iowa man marries own shadow; opts for prenup
Principles of algebra to be changed in order to make it more attractive to students
England to ban the word "discourse" from public discourse
Lovable Disney character, Donald Duck, dies from emphysema at age 74
U.S. government now claims that nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were "purely accidental"
New archaeological evidence demonstrates that Canada is actually located in Chile
World's tallest midget marries world's shortest giant
New evidence proves that Karl Marx moonlighted as professional clown
German chancellor, Angela Merkel, was quoted saying: "Nazism was a benign fashion statement of the 30's and 40's"
Pope Benedict XVI accidentally baptizes a crowd of Jews in Harlem, NY
Monday, May 12, 2008
If you have chosen to read on, then you're persistent, to the point where you should probably seek help. Such persistence is actually referred to as obsession. This is considered a mental illness by psychologists and psychiatrists in many countries including Korea, Montenegro, and East Timor.
The very nature of blogging is strange to me, and this shit crept up on us quite recently, in my opinion. One night in 2005 I went to sleep knowing that most people used the internet to send/read emails, check their local weather, and to look at pictures of naked farm animals doing it with Serbian politicians. Suddenly the next day I find out that every asshole with fingers is posting contrived stories and inane editorials on the web. In a matter of minutes, 86% of the world's population apparently had a giant meeting where they decided that they're going to swarm the interweb* with their goddamn chicken pot-pie recipes and instructions on how to build your own, functional stargate using office supplies.
Another result of the birth of blogging is that everyone in the fucking world, everyone!!... now has a fucking cause. Currently, every person with the capacity to tie their shoes is an official champion of some "worthy" cause. Whether it's to fight muscular dystrophy in caterpillars, to support frisbee sales in South America, or simply to end the unethical treatment of pollen, you can't download porn anymore without running into some conscientious blog. The saddest aspect of this is that most of these "heroes" who care so much about rabbits wearing make-up (PETA) or whatever the fuck, don't really give a shit about anything outside their bubble. These virtual Mother Teresa's are the same pricks who will step on your head while shopping on Black Friday.
I don't presume to have a solution for this social catastrophe but I will do everything I can to subvert this thing called blogging by writing my own blogs (irony).
*= Thanks Randy