Friday, July 18, 2008

Nori's Crimes and Atrocities

Who is Noriko Hata (a.k.a Nori)?: Nori is a sweet Japanese girl who is currently engaged to a good friend of mine (as well of Matthew's). She is approximately 6 feet and 5.6 inches tall and has never eaten raisins. Matthew and I consider her to be a friend of ours despite her incessant attempts to discredit our good standing with our local public library:

Using horrendous verbal abuse, Nori has discouraged Sean's cats from following their dream of becoming circus clowns.

Nori studied physics and invented a time machine while in college, only to use the time machine to travel back centuries and push an ancient ancestor down some stairs.

Nori forces her fiancé Sean to rearrange her collection of 579 pairs of shoes. Today they were arranged by manufacturer and heel texture.

Nori designed the Mitsubishi Zero.

Nori first introduced visible blood and extreme violence to Japanese animation. She was growing tired of reruns of The Honeymooners.

Originally, the human race was destined to be kind and peaceful. She traveled back in time to introduce libelous propaganda on cave walls, inciting conflict between Neanderthals and Cro Magnon.

Nori introduces over 3400 pieces of frivolous legislation in the Japanese Parliament every year.

Nori is programming a stabbing motion into the next generation of Honda ASIMO robots.

Ancient documents describing the people and history of Atlantis were discovered in Libya in 1987. Nori burned the papyrus to keep her feet warm. She had a space heater nearby.

Nori punches other customers behind the knee whenever she is line at the bank.

Nori brought her fiancĂ© Sean to Japan to “meet her parents”. By “meet”, she meant “give rough baby oil massages to”. By “her parents”, she meant “mangy stray dogs”.

Nori assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914. “Gavrilo Princip” is one of her nicknames from myspace.

Out of jealousy of their love, Nori spends two hours every day delivering moderate electric shocks to Roxy within view of a poster of Roger and a small collection of his armpit sweat. Though the Pavlovian method is sound, she has failed to diminish their emotional bond.

Nori started a letter writing campaign, convincing cable TV executives to give much more air time to Kim Kardashian and Tila Tequila.

Nori is why I (and you) lose at poker.

Nori volunteers her time at orphanages once a week, on “movie night”. The children in the age group 3 to 8 years old have seen Saw, Hostel, The Hills Have Eyes, Devil's Rejects, and Turistas about 57 times each.

Nori convinced senior bank executives and officials at the Federal Reserve that high-risk mortgage loans were a sound investment in America's economic future.

The original title for J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye was “Nori: What a Phony”.

Every year Nori meets with marketing executives from Nathan's Hot Dogs, attempting to convince them that “puppy drowning” should replace hot dog eating as a way to increase public interest in the annual contest.

Nori is why the Phoenix Down doesn't work on Aeris.

Nori initially suggested the Fire Nation invade the Earth Kingdom.

Nori encourages people with ugly feet and infected toenails to wear sandals.

Nori is the reason for the description and codification of 853 new felonies in the states of Florida, California, Kansas, and South Dakota, as well as the sovereign nations of Laos, Nigeria, Mexico,
Argentina, Turkey, Mongolia, and the Vatican.

Nori manages to extort over $113,000,000.65 from her immediate neighbors every two months.

Nori stole all the shoes from Napoleon's Army in the winter of 1812. The shoes were then sold as the second generation of Nike Airs.

Nori isn't interested in playing any version of Grand Theft Auto. All the games are based on the last time she drove.

Four weeks ago, NASA astronomers believed they had discovered the disfigured body of an alien humanoid on Mars. This theory was discounted after the police report regarding Nori's last boyfriend was brought to their attention.

Most episodes of Tales from the Crypt are based on pages from Nori's adolescent diary.

The original screenplay for Jaws was based on lifeguard eye witness reports, the same day Nori went swimming after forgetting to eat breakfast.

Nori sued M. Night Shyamalan because the pattern of suicides depicted in The Happening are eerily similar to what follows the publishing of her vacation travel plans.

The debate continues among climatologists and biologists about the cause of the modern mass extinction of species. Recent advances in satellite imaging and genetic mapping have nearly confirmed the leading theory: Nori.

Nori chums the water at public beaches in California, Australia, and South Africa.

When first abducted by aliens, Nori convinced her captors that all of humanity prefers to communicate via the insertion of absurd foreign objects into the anus.

Sometimes Nori feels guilty about all she has done. But then she follows an age-old remedy for her sour mood: a warm bath in the fresh blood of yaks and Catholic virgins.

Nori was the first mayor of Unincorporated Miami-Dade County.

Nori changed all the “Caution: Manatee Area” signs to read “Go ahead! Speed all you want. It's Great!”.

By Matthew Mielke (Columnist and Editor for "The Weekly Journal of Libelous Stories")

Saturday, June 21, 2008


I recently visited a country that lies on the unofficial border of Europe and Asia. The first day of my visit I kept thinking that I was in some Canadian town somewhere in the outskirts of Quebec, it turns out I was in Armenia. Armenia has a rich history and even richer oligarchs.

Just south of Georgia, and north of Iran, this sovereign state once enjoyed the luxuries afforded to all those who gladly relinquished everything they had to the USSR (i.e., governmental control, industrial wealth, ideologies, and pets). In the early 90’s, Armenia ended its peaceful treaty with the communist regime, leaving its people longing for oppression and political instability. Today, ninety percent of the country is fluent in Russian and half of those people can apparently trace their ancestry to Martin Luther King, Jr.

The country’s history dates back to a time when the Greeks were too busy trying to control fire and had no alphabet. Some archaeologists postulate that Armenia was first settled in 6000 B.C., making it one of the earliest civilizations in history. And although Christianity was made up somewhere in Israel (or somewhere near that wonderfully peaceful part of the world), it was Armenia that first established it as its state religion around the fourth century A.D. Other important historical events linked to Armenia include the invention of the shotgun, the discovery that snow is cold, and the inception of the band Menudo.

The countryside is sprawled with endless grassy fields, barren patches, mountains, and broken down trucks. There are giant lakes, ever flowing rivers, and the occasional inflatable pool. The climate varies from fucking hot to fucking cold. It is sunny year round and very arid, making the extreme temperatures tolerable if not enjoyable. If the country had beaches, it would be perfect, but there are no beaches (and I am not going to categorize lake shores as beaches). As a result of the country’s topography, Armenians and their ungrateful guests can enjoy skiing in the winter, pleasant hikes and aquatic sports in the summer, and indoor badminton all year round.

The capital, Yerevan, is a clean, developed city with at least seventy-nine inhabitants. With a plethora of restaurants, and a dearth of brothels, this unassuming capital has a lot to offer. Yerevan is overrun with crazy drivers and even crazier horse jockeys. And although the traffic is at times unbearable, the taxi service is efficient and economical. But bear in mind that all drivers will do everything in their power to run you over in the streets and sometimes even inside movie theatres. I also found that many Armenians speak English, apparently the result of college and university level education. Most members of this Christian society are polite, helpful, educated, and somewhat brown.

Yerevan has many museums and cultural centers. Its streets are teeming with cafes, bars, and stray dogs. There is a sense of order and respect for authority in this ancient place, and most embassies and consulates are lined up all along one street, making it easy for any terrorist faction to declare war simultaneously on multiple countries. And it is always a treat to ride the subway in Yerevan because the trains are on time and you never run the risk of being mugged by giant rodents like in New York.

I also got the impression that Armenia is a relatively safe place, unlike Los Angeles or Tegucigalpa. There are police officers and security guards on every corner in Yerevan, and unlike their fat counterparts in the U.S., these cops seem friendly and are not obsessed with donuts or bestiality.

Armenian culture screams of antiquity and historical relevance (as opposed to Canadian culture). Some claim that their linguistic roots can be traced to Sanskrit, while others claim that the whole thing was made up in the mid 80’s. Inaccessible to many westerners (despite the Judeo-Christian connection), this culture is not wholly eastern, it is certainly not western, and classifying it as middle-eastern would be somewhat inaccurate. The people appear to be religious but not overtly. There is an appreciable sense of balance between their Judeo-Christian beliefs and the real world, unlike in most South American countries.

The food in this Eurasian wonderland is fucking great. Armenians consume everything from fresh water fish, to beef, lamb, pork, chicken and a ton of greens and vegetables. Their meals would be considered feasts by western standards and unlike fat, greedy people from the U.S., they share everything. Usually, they first serve grilled vegetables (e.g., tomatoes, large peppers, onions, etc.), cucumber and tomato salad, buffalo sour cream on the side, and a variety of breads. This first course can also include honey combs, fresh greens, and yogurt. The second course includes more vegetables like wild mushrooms, cooked in cream and or olive oil, boiled eggplant, and other delicacies. The meats are cooked in a variety of ways. These are served as the third course and can include everything-kebab, boiled and or grilled fish (trout is a specialty of theirs), barbecued lamb, grilled pork chops, and chicken. This last course also includes different types of hot and mild sauces that enhance the flavor of the meats.

Armenians pride themselves in the fact that all they consume (this being the case in most restaurants) is organic, even the fucking gum! Their wines range from semi-sweet to sweet and taste much better than the shit from Argentina and Chile (with few exceptions). All of their meals are either accompanied with wine or endless shots of vodka (multi-flavored vodka non-the-less). I also went to international restaurants, specifically Italian and French, and the food was pretty good as well. Unlike the Germans and English, Armenians have developed an exquisite sense of taste.

After the dissolution of its amicable partnership with Russia, Armenia has not recovered fully. With some semblance of industry and an ailing economy, Armenia depends on the wages earned by millions of its citizens who live outside its borders. This foreign money comes from countries like England, the U.S., and East Timor. Those who decided to stay earn a living working in the service/tourist industry, by farming, fishing, mining, and making large billboards that read “Fuck Turkey” (in Armenian of course). Its economic struggle notwithstanding, Armenia is relatively stable and its pigeons have plenty of breadcrumbs on which to feed.

My experience in this Eurasian paradise involved heavy drinking and a lot of masturbation. I wandered the streets of Yerevan absorbing all I could, including bird flu. I visited one of the world’s oldest Christian churches in the city of Dilijan, and was attacked by an old woman with rabies in the outskirts of Sevan. Luckily though, I was not harmed by large groups of children brandishing flamethrowers. The airport is clean and the women have most of their teeth. All in all, I had a great time, even as I write this from my jail cell in the center of Yerevan.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Survival tips for bear attacks

The next time you find yourself in the woods, or in a coffee shop, and you're attacked by a bear, don't panic. Instead, think back to these helpful tips and ensure yourself that you will go on living your empty life:

1) Despite what everyone thinks, one should fight back when being attacked by a bear. Standing still and playing dead are ridiculous ideas. There is nothing better than to attract as much attention as possible and to anger the bear. Remember, the angrier the bear gets, the more frustrated and stressed it becomes, eventually losing interest in you. The bear will then want to move on to other non-stressful activities, such as tossing a frisbee, making pancakes, or teaching CPR classes at the local recreational center. Either way, you'll survive.

2) Always go for the bear's weak spots. These include the hind paws, calves, forearms, and teeth. Striking the bear in the eyes, muzzle or genitals will not get you anywhere.

3) If you're attacked by a sow with cubs, the best thing to do is to grab hold of one of her babies and inflict as much injury upon it as you possibly can. The mother bear will fear for its cub's life and become hesitant to attack. Under certain circumstances, you can even barter with the sow. Try extorting valuable things from her in return for her offspring. You might land yourself an expensive set of tea cups, really cool roller skates, or even just honey.

4) Another avenue you can take when being mauled by a bear, is to try to reason with it. Despite popular belief, bears are intelligent animals that can process logical thought. If you present a pithy argument you should be able to change the bear's mind. Keep in mind though that bears are quick at catching invalid arguments and are easily frustrated by blandishment. In other words, keep it simple and don't bullshit around.

5) Studies have shown that most bear attacks are caused by the bear's sexual deprivation. Thus, one of the best things to do when attacked by a bear is to please it sexually. You must be careful though because if you become overzealous while pleasing it, it might attract other bears and this could lead to a bear gang rape. Bear gang rapes are among the worst in the animal kingdom. Thousands of people have been killed in these throughout history, including former U.S. president William Howard Taft, James Joyce, and German Chancellor Otto van Bismark.

6) Sometimes the best thing to do is to pretend that you're not being attacked. Most bear attacks lead to injury and even death because the person is obviously aware of what's happening. But if you pretend like nothing is going on, then chances are you're going to survive. The best thing to do is to forget about the attack and focus on happy thoughts such as a favorite childhood memory, the day you accidentally had sex with Margaret Thatcher, or you can think about the Ethiopian version of The Wheel of Fortune, anything that will keep your mind from the attack.

7) Another sure survival tip involves books. Bears are suckers for a good book. And what's great about this is that they're open-minded to most topics. So the next time you're being attacked by a bear try to read it a story, perhaps even a play. Be careful though because there are certain topics that are considered taboo in the bear world, here's a list of some of them: Social caste differences among Australian Aborigines, the rise and fall of the Sumerians, the Latin-American influence on the European economy within the last 14 years, and the success of Tom Cruise to list a few.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Unknown facts about U.S. presidents, part 2

While you were busy learning geometry, I learned about the dark secrets of the White House:

1) Dwight Eisenhower created photosynthesis.

2) America's nineteenth President, James Garfield, was mainly made out of coal.

3) Once out of office, William McKinley made a comfortable living by fashioning Civil War commemorative statuettes out of bear feces.

4) Herbert Hoover invented the automobile.

5) Lyndon Johnson survived eight separate assassination attempts thanks to his uncanny ability to kill people with his mind.

6) In 1860, James Buchanan forced a doe to marry him at knife-point after having impregnated her at a Christmas party.

7) When initially asked what his response would be to the attack of Pearl Harbor, Franklin Roosevelt replied: "We are going to invent a time-machine within the next few days so we can go back in time, if you will, and warn ourselves several hours prior to the attack. That way we won't be as shocked and dismayed when it happens."

8) Chester Arthur accidentally burned down the White House on several occasions.

9) Richard Nixon started the militant black civil rights group known as the Black Panthers.

10) Harry Truman invented the letter "G."

11) Warren Harding tried to convince Congress of declaring war on Italy on eleven separate occasions citing his reasons as: "personal and having to do with America's popcorn shortage."

12) Calvin Coolidge discovered Peru.

13) In a desperate attempt to gain more votes during the 1849 elections, Millard Fillmore killed an elephant with his bare hands in front of a crowd of kids.

14) Theodore Roosevelt was the first human being ever to draw the connection between water and life.

Unknown facts about U.S. presidents, part 1

This is what the history books don't teach you (well, you can't really expect a book to teach you anything, it's an inanimate object)

1) George Bush Sr. was married to Miles Davis for 73 days.

2) Before becoming President, Theodore Roosevelt used to fist-fight seals in California for a living.

3) John Quincy Adams went to his grave not knowing the difference between the letter "X" and the letter "T."

4) Our 12th President, Zachary Taylor, tried to appoint a lame horse as Speaker of the House. In the face of ridicule and rejection, Taylor had the horse beaten to death by a group of 12 year old's.

5) Gerald Ford was known within his circle of friends as "Panda Man," which referred to his insatiable appetite for panda meat.

6) Ronald Reagan was Hitler's secretary before becoming president.

7) Richard Nixon was blind.

8) Jimmy Carter wasn't aware that he was President until two days after his term ended.

9) Andrew Jackson had his feet surgically removed after losing a poker game.

10) Bill Clinton mistook his daughter for a diseased fox on several different occasions.

11) New evidence published by the CIA points out that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were both assassinated by the same person; a disgruntled Chinese businessman.

12) Dwight D. Eisenhower was famous for his perseverance, mental prowess, and his uncanny ability to masturbate circus bears using only his left foot.

13) When Herbert Hoover asked Calvin Coolidge (his predecessor) for advice on how to be a good President, Coolidge replied: "I only made seven mistakes while in office and they all involved me trusting the Danes"

Monday, May 19, 2008

Strange Headlines

This is a collection of some of the more obscure headlines I have ever read. These were taken from a variety of sources including CNN, BBC, and Reuters:

Iowa man marries own shadow; opts for prenup

Principles of algebra to be changed in order to make it more attractive to students

England to ban the word "discourse" from public discourse

Lovable Disney character, Donald Duck, dies from emphysema at age 74

U.S. government now claims that nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were "purely accidental"

New archaeological evidence demonstrates that Canada is actually located in Chile

World's tallest midget marries world's shortest giant

New evidence proves that Karl Marx moonlighted as professional clown

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, was quoted saying: "Nazism was a benign fashion statement of the 30's and 40's"

Pope Benedict XVI accidentally baptizes a crowd of Jews in Harlem, NY

Monday, May 12, 2008


This is just a test. If you are reading this, you've gone too far. Technically you should have stopped when you read the word "Test" on the title field. At this point you are simply wasting your time. There are other things you can be doing that are far more productive than reading this text. You can be spending quality time with your favorite shoes, building a bomb shelter, making twinkies from scratch, or even stealing the personal effects of your recently deceased uncle.

If you have chosen to read on, then you're persistent, to the point where you should probably seek help. Such persistence is actually referred to as obsession. This is considered a mental illness by psychologists and psychiatrists in many countries including Korea, Montenegro, and East Timor.


This is painful

This is my first official blog (well, if you don't count that one I wrote on Myspace about politically active squirrels, and frankly, you would have to discount the thirteen blogs I wrote while serving a three year prison term for impersonating a professional clown, but besides those fourteen blogs, this is my first, official blog) and I want to make it clear to all of you that this is a painful experience for me. It is painful because everyone has a fucking blog now. Every cretin out there with the ability to turn on a computer is now able to impart their wisdom online. And suddenly, everyone has something to say. Suddenly everyone is an amateur Charles Dickens. Now, I'm all about freedom of expression, but some of the shit out there is just trite. Clearly I am faced with a conundrum for I am expressly doing the very thing that I am denouncing.

The very nature of blogging is strange to me, and this shit crept up on us quite recently, in my opinion. One night in 2005 I went to sleep knowing that most people used the internet to send/read emails, check their local weather, and to look at pictures of naked farm animals doing it with Serbian politicians. Suddenly the next day I find out that every asshole with fingers is posting contrived stories and inane editorials on the web. In a matter of minutes, 86% of the world's population apparently had a giant meeting where they decided that they're going to swarm the interweb* with their goddamn chicken pot-pie recipes and instructions on how to build your own, functional stargate using office supplies.

Another result of the birth of blogging is that everyone in the fucking world, everyone!!... now has a fucking cause. Currently, every person with the capacity to tie their shoes is an official champion of some "worthy" cause. Whether it's to fight muscular dystrophy in caterpillars, to support frisbee sales in South America, or simply to end the unethical treatment of pollen, you can't download porn anymore without running into some conscientious blog. The saddest aspect of this is that most of these "heroes" who care so much about rabbits wearing make-up (PETA) or whatever the fuck, don't really give a shit about anything outside their bubble. These virtual Mother Teresa's are the same pricks who will step on your head while shopping on Black Friday.

I don't presume to have a solution for this social catastrophe but I will do everything I can to subvert this thing called blogging by writing my own blogs (irony).


*= Thanks Randy