Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Unknown facts about U.S. presidents, part 2

While you were busy learning geometry, I learned about the dark secrets of the White House:

1) Dwight Eisenhower created photosynthesis.

2) America's nineteenth President, James Garfield, was mainly made out of coal.

3) Once out of office, William McKinley made a comfortable living by fashioning Civil War commemorative statuettes out of bear feces.

4) Herbert Hoover invented the automobile.

5) Lyndon Johnson survived eight separate assassination attempts thanks to his uncanny ability to kill people with his mind.

6) In 1860, James Buchanan forced a doe to marry him at knife-point after having impregnated her at a Christmas party.

7) When initially asked what his response would be to the attack of Pearl Harbor, Franklin Roosevelt replied: "We are going to invent a time-machine within the next few days so we can go back in time, if you will, and warn ourselves several hours prior to the attack. That way we won't be as shocked and dismayed when it happens."

8) Chester Arthur accidentally burned down the White House on several occasions.

9) Richard Nixon started the militant black civil rights group known as the Black Panthers.

10) Harry Truman invented the letter "G."

11) Warren Harding tried to convince Congress of declaring war on Italy on eleven separate occasions citing his reasons as: "personal and having to do with America's popcorn shortage."

12) Calvin Coolidge discovered Peru.

13) In a desperate attempt to gain more votes during the 1849 elections, Millard Fillmore killed an elephant with his bare hands in front of a crowd of kids.

14) Theodore Roosevelt was the first human being ever to draw the connection between water and life.

Unknown facts about U.S. presidents, part 1

This is what the history books don't teach you (well, you can't really expect a book to teach you anything, it's an inanimate object)

1) George Bush Sr. was married to Miles Davis for 73 days.

2) Before becoming President, Theodore Roosevelt used to fist-fight seals in California for a living.

3) John Quincy Adams went to his grave not knowing the difference between the letter "X" and the letter "T."

4) Our 12th President, Zachary Taylor, tried to appoint a lame horse as Speaker of the House. In the face of ridicule and rejection, Taylor had the horse beaten to death by a group of 12 year old's.

5) Gerald Ford was known within his circle of friends as "Panda Man," which referred to his insatiable appetite for panda meat.

6) Ronald Reagan was Hitler's secretary before becoming president.

7) Richard Nixon was blind.

8) Jimmy Carter wasn't aware that he was President until two days after his term ended.

9) Andrew Jackson had his feet surgically removed after losing a poker game.

10) Bill Clinton mistook his daughter for a diseased fox on several different occasions.

11) New evidence published by the CIA points out that Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were both assassinated by the same person; a disgruntled Chinese businessman.

12) Dwight D. Eisenhower was famous for his perseverance, mental prowess, and his uncanny ability to masturbate circus bears using only his left foot.

13) When Herbert Hoover asked Calvin Coolidge (his predecessor) for advice on how to be a good President, Coolidge replied: "I only made seven mistakes while in office and they all involved me trusting the Danes"

Monday, May 19, 2008

Strange Headlines

This is a collection of some of the more obscure headlines I have ever read. These were taken from a variety of sources including CNN, BBC, and Reuters:

Iowa man marries own shadow; opts for prenup

Principles of algebra to be changed in order to make it more attractive to students

England to ban the word "discourse" from public discourse

Lovable Disney character, Donald Duck, dies from emphysema at age 74

U.S. government now claims that nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were "purely accidental"

New archaeological evidence demonstrates that Canada is actually located in Chile

World's tallest midget marries world's shortest giant

New evidence proves that Karl Marx moonlighted as professional clown

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, was quoted saying: "Nazism was a benign fashion statement of the 30's and 40's"

Pope Benedict XVI accidentally baptizes a crowd of Jews in Harlem, NY

Monday, May 12, 2008


This is just a test. If you are reading this, you've gone too far. Technically you should have stopped when you read the word "Test" on the title field. At this point you are simply wasting your time. There are other things you can be doing that are far more productive than reading this text. You can be spending quality time with your favorite shoes, building a bomb shelter, making twinkies from scratch, or even stealing the personal effects of your recently deceased uncle.

If you have chosen to read on, then you're persistent, to the point where you should probably seek help. Such persistence is actually referred to as obsession. This is considered a mental illness by psychologists and psychiatrists in many countries including Korea, Montenegro, and East Timor.


This is painful

This is my first official blog (well, if you don't count that one I wrote on Myspace about politically active squirrels, and frankly, you would have to discount the thirteen blogs I wrote while serving a three year prison term for impersonating a professional clown, but besides those fourteen blogs, this is my first, official blog) and I want to make it clear to all of you that this is a painful experience for me. It is painful because everyone has a fucking blog now. Every cretin out there with the ability to turn on a computer is now able to impart their wisdom online. And suddenly, everyone has something to say. Suddenly everyone is an amateur Charles Dickens. Now, I'm all about freedom of expression, but some of the shit out there is just trite. Clearly I am faced with a conundrum for I am expressly doing the very thing that I am denouncing.

The very nature of blogging is strange to me, and this shit crept up on us quite recently, in my opinion. One night in 2005 I went to sleep knowing that most people used the internet to send/read emails, check their local weather, and to look at pictures of naked farm animals doing it with Serbian politicians. Suddenly the next day I find out that every asshole with fingers is posting contrived stories and inane editorials on the web. In a matter of minutes, 86% of the world's population apparently had a giant meeting where they decided that they're going to swarm the interweb* with their goddamn chicken pot-pie recipes and instructions on how to build your own, functional stargate using office supplies.

Another result of the birth of blogging is that everyone in the fucking world, everyone!!... now has a fucking cause. Currently, every person with the capacity to tie their shoes is an official champion of some "worthy" cause. Whether it's to fight muscular dystrophy in caterpillars, to support frisbee sales in South America, or simply to end the unethical treatment of pollen, you can't download porn anymore without running into some conscientious blog. The saddest aspect of this is that most of these "heroes" who care so much about rabbits wearing make-up (PETA) or whatever the fuck, don't really give a shit about anything outside their bubble. These virtual Mother Teresa's are the same pricks who will step on your head while shopping on Black Friday.

I don't presume to have a solution for this social catastrophe but I will do everything I can to subvert this thing called blogging by writing my own blogs (irony).


*= Thanks Randy