Friday, July 18, 2008

Nori's Crimes and Atrocities

Who is Noriko Hata (a.k.a Nori)?: Nori is a sweet Japanese girl who is currently engaged to a good friend of mine (as well of Matthew's). She is approximately 6 feet and 5.6 inches tall and has never eaten raisins. Matthew and I consider her to be a friend of ours despite her incessant attempts to discredit our good standing with our local public library:

Using horrendous verbal abuse, Nori has discouraged Sean's cats from following their dream of becoming circus clowns.

Nori studied physics and invented a time machine while in college, only to use the time machine to travel back centuries and push an ancient ancestor down some stairs.

Nori forces her fiancé Sean to rearrange her collection of 579 pairs of shoes. Today they were arranged by manufacturer and heel texture.

Nori designed the Mitsubishi Zero.

Nori first introduced visible blood and extreme violence to Japanese animation. She was growing tired of reruns of The Honeymooners.

Originally, the human race was destined to be kind and peaceful. She traveled back in time to introduce libelous propaganda on cave walls, inciting conflict between Neanderthals and Cro Magnon.

Nori introduces over 3400 pieces of frivolous legislation in the Japanese Parliament every year.

Nori is programming a stabbing motion into the next generation of Honda ASIMO robots.

Ancient documents describing the people and history of Atlantis were discovered in Libya in 1987. Nori burned the papyrus to keep her feet warm. She had a space heater nearby.

Nori punches other customers behind the knee whenever she is line at the bank.

Nori brought her fiancĂ© Sean to Japan to “meet her parents”. By “meet”, she meant “give rough baby oil massages to”. By “her parents”, she meant “mangy stray dogs”.

Nori assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914. “Gavrilo Princip” is one of her nicknames from myspace.

Out of jealousy of their love, Nori spends two hours every day delivering moderate electric shocks to Roxy within view of a poster of Roger and a small collection of his armpit sweat. Though the Pavlovian method is sound, she has failed to diminish their emotional bond.

Nori started a letter writing campaign, convincing cable TV executives to give much more air time to Kim Kardashian and Tila Tequila.

Nori is why I (and you) lose at poker.

Nori volunteers her time at orphanages once a week, on “movie night”. The children in the age group 3 to 8 years old have seen Saw, Hostel, The Hills Have Eyes, Devil's Rejects, and Turistas about 57 times each.

Nori convinced senior bank executives and officials at the Federal Reserve that high-risk mortgage loans were a sound investment in America's economic future.

The original title for J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye was “Nori: What a Phony”.

Every year Nori meets with marketing executives from Nathan's Hot Dogs, attempting to convince them that “puppy drowning” should replace hot dog eating as a way to increase public interest in the annual contest.

Nori is why the Phoenix Down doesn't work on Aeris.

Nori initially suggested the Fire Nation invade the Earth Kingdom.

Nori encourages people with ugly feet and infected toenails to wear sandals.

Nori is the reason for the description and codification of 853 new felonies in the states of Florida, California, Kansas, and South Dakota, as well as the sovereign nations of Laos, Nigeria, Mexico,
Argentina, Turkey, Mongolia, and the Vatican.

Nori manages to extort over $113,000,000.65 from her immediate neighbors every two months.

Nori stole all the shoes from Napoleon's Army in the winter of 1812. The shoes were then sold as the second generation of Nike Airs.

Nori isn't interested in playing any version of Grand Theft Auto. All the games are based on the last time she drove.

Four weeks ago, NASA astronomers believed they had discovered the disfigured body of an alien humanoid on Mars. This theory was discounted after the police report regarding Nori's last boyfriend was brought to their attention.

Most episodes of Tales from the Crypt are based on pages from Nori's adolescent diary.

The original screenplay for Jaws was based on lifeguard eye witness reports, the same day Nori went swimming after forgetting to eat breakfast.

Nori sued M. Night Shyamalan because the pattern of suicides depicted in The Happening are eerily similar to what follows the publishing of her vacation travel plans.

The debate continues among climatologists and biologists about the cause of the modern mass extinction of species. Recent advances in satellite imaging and genetic mapping have nearly confirmed the leading theory: Nori.

Nori chums the water at public beaches in California, Australia, and South Africa.

When first abducted by aliens, Nori convinced her captors that all of humanity prefers to communicate via the insertion of absurd foreign objects into the anus.

Sometimes Nori feels guilty about all she has done. But then she follows an age-old remedy for her sour mood: a warm bath in the fresh blood of yaks and Catholic virgins.

Nori was the first mayor of Unincorporated Miami-Dade County.

Nori changed all the “Caution: Manatee Area” signs to read “Go ahead! Speed all you want. It's Great!”.

By Matthew Mielke (Columnist and Editor for "The Weekly Journal of Libelous Stories")