Monday, February 16, 2009

The Gelato Papers

This is a mildly exaggerated account of the time my friend Matthew and I tried to find some gelato in Naples, Italy. The names of the people and places were changed for the sake of anonymity (also because I was too lazy to correctly spell any of the names).

Roger (in English) - Hey Matt, would you be interested in having some fine, locally produced gelato? I hear that the gods themselves are responsible for having passed on the delicious recipes to these fine Neapolitans.

Matt (English) - Sure, as long as I don't have to be mauled by mangy cats and dogs.

Roger (English) - You got it! (blinking my left eye and giving Matthew the thumbs up - we then stood in place motionless and silent for about 46 minutes - really awkward for all concerned)

(At this point Matthew and I spotted a police officer across the street fist-fighting a large otter, the otter bests him and takes off. We then approached the officer who's name was Officer Cazzo)

Roger (to Officer Cazzo, in Italian) - Pardon me officer, do you know where we can purchase some delicious gelato?

Matt (English) - Roger, his gun is not real. It's made out of shoelaces.

Roger (English) - Matt, stop playing with his gun.

Officer Cazzo (in Italian) - When you say gelato are you referring to corrupt politicians?

Roger (Italian) - God no. I mean the frozen dairy product.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I actually happen to be carrying a list of the most corrupt mayors in Italy right here in my left shoe, let me get it for you...

Roger (Italian) - No! I am not interested in politicians, I just want some gelato.

Matt (in Dutch) - This is eerily reminiscent of the day we bombed Nagasaki, this is going down the wrong path.

Roger (English) - When the hell did you learn Dutch?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - ... My father once dated a politician for several hours, but she wasn't really corrupt. Now my mom, she was one vile cunt. She used to call me...

Roger (Italian) - Look, all we want is some gelato, can you please help us?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - And what exactly are you planning to do with the gelato?

Roger (Italian) - Eat it.

Matt (Italian) - Roger, how do you say the word "English" in English?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Eat it, huh? Could you expand on that?

Roger (Italian) - Not really. We just want to eat some delicious gelato.

Matt (Italian) - I'm going to lose it man! I'm this close to losing it!

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Your blond friend reminds me of Idi Amin when he gets angry.

Matt (Italian) - Thanks, I work out.

Roger (Italian) - What the fuck is going on? We just want some gelato.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Would you be interested in playing badminton?

Matt (English) - Roger, don't listen to him, this is how Italians lure their victims.

Roger (English) - What does that even mean?

Matt (Italian) - Officer, could I proposition you to go on several dates with me? I usually smell better than how I smell now. Earlier today I took a dip in my hotel pool but it turned out it was just a septic tank, frankly I don't know how I mistook it for a pool.

Roger (English) - What the hell are you doing Matthew? I'm starting to question your sanity. Have you been doing shots of Drano again?

Matt (English) Shh.. I'm trying to save our asses you idiot. Don't you realize who this cop is? It's Rush Limbaugh, and he's angry.

Roger (Italian) - Can we just get directions to the closest gelateria? This is not what I envisioned when I agreed to vacation Italy.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - What do you mean Italy?

Roger (Italian) - What?!

Matt (Italian) - Sure Mr. Officer, anything you say.. Why I have no problem with ultra-rightwing policies that ensure the crushing of countless lives both abroad and in the U.S.

Roger (English) - That's it! I'm fucking leaving!

(At this point Matthew reaches for the cop's gun only to remember that it's made of shoelaces, he then started to cry hysterically)

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I've never been so turned on in my life.

(Still sobbing, Matthew removes his shirt)

Matt (Italian) - Alright, I have had enough of everyone's shit. Someone is going to die today.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - That's the spirit.

Roger (Italian) - What?!

(Suddenly the cop remembers that he had purchased 100 kgs of gelato the night before and it had been sitting in his trunk this whole time, he then removes his shirt and walks over to his car).

Matt (English) - Roger, now!

(Matthew then sprinted toward the cop with a medieval mace in his right hand that he had apparently purchased from a museum while all this was going on)

Matt (Dutch) - You go back to where came from you silly cunt!

Roger (English) - Matt, you're speaking in Dutch again.

Matt (Dutch) - Oh...

Roger (English) - You're still speaking in Dutch

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - This is turning out a lot like my last birthday party...

Matt (Italian) - You'll never be able to torment us again!

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I take it back, your blond friend reminds me of that kid from "Different Strokes," what's his name?

Matt (Italian) - Henry Kissinger?

Roger (Italian) - Now I'm scared.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Let me just reach into my trunk to get you fine boys some..., what was it again you wanted, tennis balls?

(As the cop reaches for the tennis balls he accidentally trips a wire and causes a explosion that sends the three of us flying across the street - the cop is bloodied and gasping for air; I'm battered but ok; Matthew seems to be unaware that his hair is on fire)

Policeman (Italian) - Sorry guys, I guess you won't be finding any corrupt politicians today...

Roger (Italian) - How did this happen? What the fuck caused the explosion?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I had bobby-trapped my trunk years ago in the event that any corrupt elected officials or parrots would try to break into it...

(The cop dies in Matthew's arms)

Matt (English) - There goes the best damn cop I've ever known, he was so young.

Roger (English) - What? This is the first time you meet him, you don't even know his name. And he's gotta be at least 50 years old. It's tragic, but the guy was an idiot.

Matt (English) - Oh, I forgot to tell you that there is a gelateria right across from the hotel, I noticed it when you were checking us in.

(Later that day we found out that the gelateria across from our hotel was actually a front where corrupt politicians would gather to toss frisbees and make lemonade - we never did get to eat any gelato in our whole trip; it was the worst vacation ever).

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