Monday, April 13, 2009

Places where you shouldn't fuck or conduct legitimate business transactions

Inside a large corpse.

Anywhere near magma.

Inside the trunk of a broken down car that's parked near an abandoned nuclear power plant.

Under a fat man's bed.

Next to several tons of spoiled otter meat.

In the cafeteria of a rundown circus.

In Tom Selleck's pantry.

In close proximity of a group of deranged men.

Buried under a collapsed building.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Human Experience

This is an idea for a theme park that I want to build and open one day. I'm tyring to rally as many investors as possible with the following sales pitch:

Name of park: The Human Experience (subject to change).

Sales Pitch:

"Come join us at the opening of the world's best amusement park, The Human Experience! See what it's like to be in the 'fourth happiest place on Earth.' We say 'fourth' because legally speaking, The Human Experience! ranks right behind Disneyworld, the Applebee's in Spearfish, South Dakota, and of course the Manas International Airport in Kyrgyzstan (formally the ninth happiest place on Earth)."


Christmas in Africa - See what most respected news networks are calling "the single most ill-conceived ride in the history of amusement parks." Our weathered funhouse gives you a chance to see what it's like to celebrate Christmas in some of the most impoverished nations in our planet. You can enjoy not getting any gifts throughout your entire childhood and endure through malaria and political riots on Christmas day. And if you're lucky, you'll contract HIV and be devoured by lions who don't like free elections.

Che Guevara's Centrifuge - Your basic "spin till you vomit" ride, this personal favorite of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was designed and built in a matter of hours by a group of disgruntled prisoners of war. It has operated just fine for over six years without the need of any sort of maintenance or approval from any government sponsored agencies. While it has claimed many lives since its inauguration, it is a fun ride you can enjoy with family, friends, and "oppressed" free-thinkers.

The Adventures of Manuel Noriega - The first of its kind, this ride incorporates 3-D technology and heavy cocaine use. Initially used as a torture device in the mid 1980's, it tells the story of one of the world's most compassionate despots. A perfect blend of education and entertainment, this ride has been personally approved by Mr. Noriega himself who apparently visits theme parks across the globe when he is not too busy serving his consecutive life sentences.


Charles Manson's Petting Zoo - While most petting zoos encourage safety and proper handling of the animals, we feel that such standards are outdated and actually detract from the experience. Most of our animals have been donated from illegal testing facilities and some of them have tasted human flesh more than once. If you are an animal lover or you have no regard for your well-being, come interact with our starved hyenas, unconventionally large alligators, rabid zebras and much more.

The Darfur Parade - Most responsible members of the free world regard Darfur as one of the worst places in the globe due to its lack of basic human rights, unbridled political violence, and the fact that Richard Nixon once referred to it as "my favorite vacation get-away." What a lot of us don't know is that the Darfurians are a joyous people who are in no way being kept in our compound against their will. All the children and jaded adults who participate in this wonderful parade are honored to represent what life is truly like in this African utopia. Join us every other hour and watch as children willingly work for no compensation, parents happily contract all forms of crippling diseases, and look on as well-intentioned politicians turn their constitution into happy, fun confetti.


Jeffrey Dahmer's Bag-o-Meats' - Don't let the name discourage you because it certainly didn't discourage our unscrupulous lawyers. This throwback to "the good old days" has been a staple in our big family since the inception of our park. With such dishes as the "unconscious grad student" and "you may be chewing on your dad," this family-style restaurant is sure to win over even the most skeptical members the Food and Drug Administration.

Original Lincoln Inauguration Speech

This is the original inauguration speech Lincoln was supposed to address to the nation. Most historians are not aware that this document exists (especially the blind historians who can't read braille). A lot of people find it hard to believe that I inadvertently purchased the original document at a Denny's in Minnesota:

Dear Compatriots,

In this historic day I have been inducted as your new totalitarian leader. My form of ruling will be far disparate from that employed by my predecessor. Beyond today, I will not indulge any democratic ideas and instead I will rule with an iron fist.

My political agenda(s), agenda being a word I do not normally use since I don't think it really exists in our language, are rather imposing and selfish. They serve no other purpose than my own and maybe those of nine other close friends of mine.

I shall now dictate some of the new rules or laws that I will decree as president: First, from this day on, no one is allowed to drink water without personally asking me first. Written requests will not be considered. This might make it difficult for those who live outside my city limits, but I can live with that. Second, anyone caught showing any affection to any animal, wild or domesticated, shall be put to death immediately. Some of you might be wondering why this second rule exists. Third, everyone from now on must have supper at 1:00 am local time. And those parents concerned about their children not being able to stay up that late, should direct their questions and concerns to the brick wall across the street. Fourth, if I should visit homes and randomly set children on fire, the parents must not attempt to stop me, instead they must praise me and compliment my sense of fashion. Fifth, the iconic figure that represents Christmas will no longer be Christ, it will now be a lame horse. Seventh, the number 6 will no longer exist in the United States. Eighth, any woman with more than one breast will be ostracized from society and forced to live in California with the rest of Satan's deformed children. Ninth, in the event that I am assassinated while attending some sort of show or am eaten alive by a group of Amazonian indians who are not normally cannibalistic, Congress will then appoint a Danish farmer to power.

Thank you.

The Orangutan Letters

I wrote this about eight years ago and I am as incensed about this topic as I was back then, if not more:

The Orangutan Foundation
To Whom it May Concern,

I recently read a scientific paper by one of your resident primatologists on orangutan conservation, I believe it was entitled Pongo abelli and Pongo pygmaeus: The Forest Men of Indonesia, and well, ever since I've been interested in everything regarding the orangutan. To my understanding your organization tries to conserve the few remaining orangutans in the wild by protecting them against local and foreign threats such as deforestation, hunting, illegal pet trade, etc. What i don't understand is why you're doing that.

Protecting the orangutan is the most ridiculous idea I've heard of since the establishment of female suffrage in the U.S. Why would you want to protect such a dangerous beast? Everyone knows that orangutans are savage animals that show no mercy to their victims, plus they're terrible at giving TV interviews. Haven't you people heard of the legitimate stories of Sumatran natives who claim that orangutans come out at night to rape children? What about the claims of European tourists who visit Borneo and tell stories of wrathful orangutans who beat birds to death with their own infants?

Don't you people know that orangutans have an insatiable appetite for panda meat? In fact, they recently started lobbying Chinese politicians in an attempt to convince the Chinese government to help them build the world's first restaurant to serve panda. And by the way, it's not just the Asians who are afraid of the orangutans, why don't you ask your average Australian what they think of your "majestic ape"? Australians, New Zealanders, and Tasmanians alike hate the orangutan, you know why?, because in the 1930's orangutans would sail to Australia and Tasmania and would kidnap the now extinct Tasmanian tiger in order to drink their blood back home in Indonesia; thusly driving the Tasmanian tiger to extinction.

The orangutan is responsible for some of the most brutal crimes against nature. Their abominations include the depletion of the ozone layer, the invention of the frisbee, the destruction of about 64% of all marine life in the world, the sudden, unxplained disappearance of ancient cultures such as the Mayans and Incas, the increase of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in North America in the last seven years, the Carter administration, and the success of Oprah Winfrey to list a few. It is an unfortunate thing what you people are doing, saving these atrocious creatures from hell. I hope that for the sake of our children, for the rest of world, and in memory of the late Henry Kissinger (death not confirmed) you end all orangutan life now.

Thank you,

Roger Lopez

The Gelato Papers

This is a mildly exaggerated account of the time my friend Matthew and I tried to find some gelato in Naples, Italy. The names of the people and places were changed for the sake of anonymity (also because I was too lazy to correctly spell any of the names).

Roger (in English) - Hey Matt, would you be interested in having some fine, locally produced gelato? I hear that the gods themselves are responsible for having passed on the delicious recipes to these fine Neapolitans.

Matt (English) - Sure, as long as I don't have to be mauled by mangy cats and dogs.

Roger (English) - You got it! (blinking my left eye and giving Matthew the thumbs up - we then stood in place motionless and silent for about 46 minutes - really awkward for all concerned)

(At this point Matthew and I spotted a police officer across the street fist-fighting a large otter, the otter bests him and takes off. We then approached the officer who's name was Officer Cazzo)

Roger (to Officer Cazzo, in Italian) - Pardon me officer, do you know where we can purchase some delicious gelato?

Matt (English) - Roger, his gun is not real. It's made out of shoelaces.

Roger (English) - Matt, stop playing with his gun.

Officer Cazzo (in Italian) - When you say gelato are you referring to corrupt politicians?

Roger (Italian) - God no. I mean the frozen dairy product.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I actually happen to be carrying a list of the most corrupt mayors in Italy right here in my left shoe, let me get it for you...

Roger (Italian) - No! I am not interested in politicians, I just want some gelato.

Matt (in Dutch) - This is eerily reminiscent of the day we bombed Nagasaki, this is going down the wrong path.

Roger (English) - When the hell did you learn Dutch?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - ... My father once dated a politician for several hours, but she wasn't really corrupt. Now my mom, she was one vile cunt. She used to call me...

Roger (Italian) - Look, all we want is some gelato, can you please help us?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - And what exactly are you planning to do with the gelato?

Roger (Italian) - Eat it.

Matt (Italian) - Roger, how do you say the word "English" in English?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Eat it, huh? Could you expand on that?

Roger (Italian) - Not really. We just want to eat some delicious gelato.

Matt (Italian) - I'm going to lose it man! I'm this close to losing it!

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Your blond friend reminds me of Idi Amin when he gets angry.

Matt (Italian) - Thanks, I work out.

Roger (Italian) - What the fuck is going on? We just want some gelato.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Would you be interested in playing badminton?

Matt (English) - Roger, don't listen to him, this is how Italians lure their victims.

Roger (English) - What does that even mean?

Matt (Italian) - Officer, could I proposition you to go on several dates with me? I usually smell better than how I smell now. Earlier today I took a dip in my hotel pool but it turned out it was just a septic tank, frankly I don't know how I mistook it for a pool.

Roger (English) - What the hell are you doing Matthew? I'm starting to question your sanity. Have you been doing shots of Drano again?

Matt (English) Shh.. I'm trying to save our asses you idiot. Don't you realize who this cop is? It's Rush Limbaugh, and he's angry.

Roger (Italian) - Can we just get directions to the closest gelateria? This is not what I envisioned when I agreed to vacation Italy.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - What do you mean Italy?

Roger (Italian) - What?!

Matt (Italian) - Sure Mr. Officer, anything you say.. Why I have no problem with ultra-rightwing policies that ensure the crushing of countless lives both abroad and in the U.S.

Roger (English) - That's it! I'm fucking leaving!

(At this point Matthew reaches for the cop's gun only to remember that it's made of shoelaces, he then started to cry hysterically)

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I've never been so turned on in my life.

(Still sobbing, Matthew removes his shirt)

Matt (Italian) - Alright, I have had enough of everyone's shit. Someone is going to die today.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - That's the spirit.

Roger (Italian) - What?!

(Suddenly the cop remembers that he had purchased 100 kgs of gelato the night before and it had been sitting in his trunk this whole time, he then removes his shirt and walks over to his car).

Matt (English) - Roger, now!

(Matthew then sprinted toward the cop with a medieval mace in his right hand that he had apparently purchased from a museum while all this was going on)

Matt (Dutch) - You go back to where came from you silly cunt!

Roger (English) - Matt, you're speaking in Dutch again.

Matt (Dutch) - Oh...

Roger (English) - You're still speaking in Dutch

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - This is turning out a lot like my last birthday party...

Matt (Italian) - You'll never be able to torment us again!

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I take it back, your blond friend reminds me of that kid from "Different Strokes," what's his name?

Matt (Italian) - Henry Kissinger?

Roger (Italian) - Now I'm scared.

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - Let me just reach into my trunk to get you fine boys some..., what was it again you wanted, tennis balls?

(As the cop reaches for the tennis balls he accidentally trips a wire and causes a explosion that sends the three of us flying across the street - the cop is bloodied and gasping for air; I'm battered but ok; Matthew seems to be unaware that his hair is on fire)

Policeman (Italian) - Sorry guys, I guess you won't be finding any corrupt politicians today...

Roger (Italian) - How did this happen? What the fuck caused the explosion?

Officer Cazzo (Italian) - I had bobby-trapped my trunk years ago in the event that any corrupt elected officials or parrots would try to break into it...

(The cop dies in Matthew's arms)

Matt (English) - There goes the best damn cop I've ever known, he was so young.

Roger (English) - What? This is the first time you meet him, you don't even know his name. And he's gotta be at least 50 years old. It's tragic, but the guy was an idiot.

Matt (English) - Oh, I forgot to tell you that there is a gelateria right across from the hotel, I noticed it when you were checking us in.

(Later that day we found out that the gelateria across from our hotel was actually a front where corrupt politicians would gather to toss frisbees and make lemonade - we never did get to eat any gelato in our whole trip; it was the worst vacation ever).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

An Abriged List of Things I'd Rather do than Watch the Oprah Winfrey Show

Teach Sanskrit to a group of deaf children.

Hammer railroad spikes into my shins.

Become romantically involved with a deceased squirrel.

Set my teeth on fire.

Watch golf.

Listen to Tom Selleck lament himself about the bad choices he's made in his life.

Arm wrestle with an angry lion.

Take credit for the Carter administration.

Eat my own feet live on Pakistani TV.

Become intimately acquainted with large amounts of unrendered animal fat.

Enjoy the long-term effects of radiation poisoning.

Force an elephant to rape me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Business as Usual

These are some names and ideas for businesses that I plan to open one day. The fact that I have never been outside before has no bearing on my abilities to run a business. You naysayers can keep your opinions to yourselves, especially if these are in reference to my inability to open doors (or close them).

Ted's Coin Laundry and Community College

I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You - 24 Hour Diner

Dr. Steven's Office of Psychiatry and Shoe Repairs

Peter's School for Professional Clowns and Bulimic Pilots

Jackson's Pizzeria and Cancer Removal

Racism for Everyone (No Nicaraguans Allowed)

Dr. Hammerstein's Dentist's Office for Disgruntled Lesbians

Jenny's Daycare and Radioactive Refuse Storage

Lee's Chinese Restaurant and Petting Zoo

The Lower East Side Museum of Famous Corpse Fuckers (Now located in the Upper West Side)