Monday, February 16, 2009

The Orangutan Letters

I wrote this about eight years ago and I am as incensed about this topic as I was back then, if not more:

The Orangutan Foundation
To Whom it May Concern,

I recently read a scientific paper by one of your resident primatologists on orangutan conservation, I believe it was entitled Pongo abelli and Pongo pygmaeus: The Forest Men of Indonesia, and well, ever since I've been interested in everything regarding the orangutan. To my understanding your organization tries to conserve the few remaining orangutans in the wild by protecting them against local and foreign threats such as deforestation, hunting, illegal pet trade, etc. What i don't understand is why you're doing that.

Protecting the orangutan is the most ridiculous idea I've heard of since the establishment of female suffrage in the U.S. Why would you want to protect such a dangerous beast? Everyone knows that orangutans are savage animals that show no mercy to their victims, plus they're terrible at giving TV interviews. Haven't you people heard of the legitimate stories of Sumatran natives who claim that orangutans come out at night to rape children? What about the claims of European tourists who visit Borneo and tell stories of wrathful orangutans who beat birds to death with their own infants?

Don't you people know that orangutans have an insatiable appetite for panda meat? In fact, they recently started lobbying Chinese politicians in an attempt to convince the Chinese government to help them build the world's first restaurant to serve panda. And by the way, it's not just the Asians who are afraid of the orangutans, why don't you ask your average Australian what they think of your "majestic ape"? Australians, New Zealanders, and Tasmanians alike hate the orangutan, you know why?, because in the 1930's orangutans would sail to Australia and Tasmania and would kidnap the now extinct Tasmanian tiger in order to drink their blood back home in Indonesia; thusly driving the Tasmanian tiger to extinction.

The orangutan is responsible for some of the most brutal crimes against nature. Their abominations include the depletion of the ozone layer, the invention of the frisbee, the destruction of about 64% of all marine life in the world, the sudden, unxplained disappearance of ancient cultures such as the Mayans and Incas, the increase of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in North America in the last seven years, the Carter administration, and the success of Oprah Winfrey to list a few. It is an unfortunate thing what you people are doing, saving these atrocious creatures from hell. I hope that for the sake of our children, for the rest of world, and in memory of the late Henry Kissinger (death not confirmed) you end all orangutan life now.

Thank you,

Roger Lopez

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