Monday, February 16, 2009

The Human Experience

This is an idea for a theme park that I want to build and open one day. I'm tyring to rally as many investors as possible with the following sales pitch:

Name of park: The Human Experience (subject to change).

Sales Pitch:

"Come join us at the opening of the world's best amusement park, The Human Experience! See what it's like to be in the 'fourth happiest place on Earth.' We say 'fourth' because legally speaking, The Human Experience! ranks right behind Disneyworld, the Applebee's in Spearfish, South Dakota, and of course the Manas International Airport in Kyrgyzstan (formally the ninth happiest place on Earth)."


Christmas in Africa - See what most respected news networks are calling "the single most ill-conceived ride in the history of amusement parks." Our weathered funhouse gives you a chance to see what it's like to celebrate Christmas in some of the most impoverished nations in our planet. You can enjoy not getting any gifts throughout your entire childhood and endure through malaria and political riots on Christmas day. And if you're lucky, you'll contract HIV and be devoured by lions who don't like free elections.

Che Guevara's Centrifuge - Your basic "spin till you vomit" ride, this personal favorite of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was designed and built in a matter of hours by a group of disgruntled prisoners of war. It has operated just fine for over six years without the need of any sort of maintenance or approval from any government sponsored agencies. While it has claimed many lives since its inauguration, it is a fun ride you can enjoy with family, friends, and "oppressed" free-thinkers.

The Adventures of Manuel Noriega - The first of its kind, this ride incorporates 3-D technology and heavy cocaine use. Initially used as a torture device in the mid 1980's, it tells the story of one of the world's most compassionate despots. A perfect blend of education and entertainment, this ride has been personally approved by Mr. Noriega himself who apparently visits theme parks across the globe when he is not too busy serving his consecutive life sentences.


Charles Manson's Petting Zoo - While most petting zoos encourage safety and proper handling of the animals, we feel that such standards are outdated and actually detract from the experience. Most of our animals have been donated from illegal testing facilities and some of them have tasted human flesh more than once. If you are an animal lover or you have no regard for your well-being, come interact with our starved hyenas, unconventionally large alligators, rabid zebras and much more.

The Darfur Parade - Most responsible members of the free world regard Darfur as one of the worst places in the globe due to its lack of basic human rights, unbridled political violence, and the fact that Richard Nixon once referred to it as "my favorite vacation get-away." What a lot of us don't know is that the Darfurians are a joyous people who are in no way being kept in our compound against their will. All the children and jaded adults who participate in this wonderful parade are honored to represent what life is truly like in this African utopia. Join us every other hour and watch as children willingly work for no compensation, parents happily contract all forms of crippling diseases, and look on as well-intentioned politicians turn their constitution into happy, fun confetti.


Jeffrey Dahmer's Bag-o-Meats' - Don't let the name discourage you because it certainly didn't discourage our unscrupulous lawyers. This throwback to "the good old days" has been a staple in our big family since the inception of our park. With such dishes as the "unconscious grad student" and "you may be chewing on your dad," this family-style restaurant is sure to win over even the most skeptical members the Food and Drug Administration.

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