Survival tips for bear attacks

The next time you find yourself in the woods, or in a coffee shop, and you're attacked by a bear, don't panic. Instead, think back to these helpful tips and ensure yourself that you will go on living your empty life:

1) Despite what everyone thinks, one should fight back when being attacked by a bear. Standing still and playing dead are ridiculous ideas. There is nothing better than to attract as much attention as possible and to anger the bear. Remember, the angrier the bear gets, the more frustrated and stressed it becomes, eventually losing interest in you. The bear will then want to move on to other non-stressful activities, such as tossing a frisbee, making pancakes, or teaching CPR classes at the local recreational center. Either way, you'll survive.

2) Always go for the bear's weak spots. These include the hind paws, calves, forearms, and teeth. Striking the bear in the eyes, muzzle or genitals will not get you anywhere.

3) If you're attacked by a sow with cubs, the best thing to do is to grab hold of one of her babies and inflict as much injury upon it as you possibly can. The mother bear will fear for its cub's life and become hesitant to attack. Under certain circumstances, you can even barter with the sow. Try extorting valuable things from her in return for her offspring. You might land yourself an expensive set of tea cups, really cool roller skates, or even just honey.

4) Another avenue you can take when being mauled by a bear, is to try to reason with it. Despite popular belief, bears are intelligent animals that can process logical thought. If you present a pithy argument you should be able to change the bear's mind. Keep in mind though that bears are quick at catching invalid arguments and are easily frustrated by blandishment. In other words, keep it simple and don't bullshit around.

5) Studies have shown that most bear attacks are caused by the bear's sexual deprivation. Thus, one of the best things to do when attacked by a bear is to please it sexually. You must be careful though because if you become overzealous while pleasing it, it might attract other bears and this could lead to a bear gang rape. Bear gang rapes are among the worst in the animal kingdom. Thousands of people have been killed in these throughout history, including former U.S. president William Howard Taft, James Joyce, and German Chancellor Otto van Bismark.

6) Sometimes the best thing to do is to pretend that you're not being attacked. Most bear attacks lead to injury and even death because the person is obviously aware of what's happening. But if you pretend like nothing is going on, then chances are you're going to survive. The best thing to do is to forget about the attack and focus on happy thoughts such as a favorite childhood memory, the day you accidentally had sex with Margaret Thatcher, or you can think about the Ethiopian version of The Wheel of Fortune, anything that will keep your mind from the attack.

7) Another sure survival tip involves books. Bears are suckers for a good book. And what's great about this is that they're open-minded to most topics. So the next time you're being attacked by a bear try to read it a story, perhaps even a play. Be careful though because there are certain topics that are considered taboo in the bear world, here's a list of some of them: Social caste differences among Australian Aborigines, the rise and fall of the Sumerians, the Latin-American influence on the European economy within the last 14 years, and the success of Tom Cruise to list a few.

-Roger